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Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Road Morons of Tennessee

I like driving. Driving gives me a chance to be alone with myself and contemplate the ways of the world. The other day, I drove to New Johnsonville which is 2 counties away from us. I made a run to the liquor store, since our county is dry. Little wifey sure does like to booze it up so I have to keep her supplied…………just kidding, but we do have wine every night (for medicinal purposes).

My drive gave me an opportunity to reflect on the wide assortment of road morons that we have here in West Tennessee. I'd like to share a few of them with you:

1. The squalling tire poker: You'll be sailing along on the open road at highway speed and this moron will burn rubber and squeal tires trying his best to pull out in front of you. Once he's out there, he pokes along about 20 mph, weaving from line to line, twisting his head right to left………..Idiot!

2. The emergency lane pullover: Normally the emergency lane is for just that…..EMERGENCIES! But this moron will poke and weave, running about 20 mph in the 55 zone. You'll get on his tail, hoping to pass and finally he'll look in the rear view mirror, suddenly veering over into the emergency lane to let you by. Why not just do the speed limit in the first place?

3. The variable speed turn signal fooler: This dude will speed up, slow down, almost stop, turn on his turn signal, turn off his turn signal, speed up slow down……you get the idea. My daddy always told me that if you don't know where you're going, you should at least have the courtesy to get out of the way.

4. The emergency lane right turner: Hey idiot! The emergency lane is NOT a right turn lane.

5. The left lane left turn. Hey idiot, you're not supposed to cross the centerline into the oncoming lane before you turn left. Believe it or not I have seen a couple of close call head-on collisions because of this numbskull.

The following episodes cover idiots on the interstate:

6. The left lane impeder: You all have seen them. On a 4 lane highway they will be poking along in the left lane. There will be signs stating "Keep Right Except to Pass". Often times you'll look over at the driver and there will be a cell phone stuck in the ear. Well I don't have to tell you where I'd like to stick that cell phone! There is a special place in hell for left lane impeders, right next to Adolf and Saddam.

7. The left lane obstructer: This is a variation of the impeder. They will ride in the left lane next to and at the very same speed as the vehicle in the right lane. This may go on for miles and miles. Often times a mile long line of traffic will be following the idiot. Again, these drivers frequently have cell phones growing out of the sides of their heads. I have heard that some states are beginning to cite drivers for doing this. I'm afraid there is no evidence of this in Tennessee so far.

8. The right lane whipper: These people baffle the hell out of me. They will come sailing by you in the left lane, whip suddenly over into the right lane, suddenly throwing on the brakes, forcing you to suddenly throw on the brakes. You move over into the left lane, speeding back up to normal speed to pass the moron. They give it the gas and pull out in the lead. You ease back over to the right only to suddenly be reading his license plate again in a few seconds. This dance can go on for many minutes until one of you finally gets off the freeway.

9. The blind spot bluffer: As you ride comfortably along in the right lane, you notice that you are slowly but surely approaching the back of a semi truck. A move to the left lane will eventually be required. You see a car rapidly overtaking you in the left lane. It looks as if he will pass quickly, but to your dismay he comes into your blind spot on the left and just sits there. As you approach the semi truck you have to make a decision. Either you slow down behind the truck and then wait for the blind spot bluffer and the line of traffic that has accumulated behind him to all pass, or you give it the gun and whip quickly over in front of the moron. I generally prefer to whip over in front of the moron, and frequently the moron will, honk, shake his fist, or flash his lights………hell like it's my fault??? Idiot!

Well, that's a few of the road morons that I have gotten to know. I betcha all of you know them too and maybe some others. If you have one of your own favorite morons that I left out I'd like to hear about it.

2 comments:

  1. There is a special place in hell for left lane impeders, right next to Adolf and Saddam.

    You said it.
    Debbie Hamilton
    Right Truth

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree Dr Grouch!!!! Got behind one of the idiots coming home from work tonight. Didn't think I was ever gonna get to Camden. Stupid idiot would go 20mph when I couldn't pass and speed up when I could have. Idiot!!!!!

    ReplyDelete