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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Sorry, No Candy Bar for You

New vending machines will soon be installed in schools, airports, and all those usual places where vending machines are installed. What is new and different about these machines is that they are biometric and will require your thumbprint before you can purchase anything.

These machines will use your thumbprint to access your credit card account and bill your card for your candy bar or your bag of potato chips, negating your need to carry cash for such things.

In addition the machines will be interface via computer to your health records and specifically your body mass index and health history.

Some users will be greeted with the following message, "Sorry, you're too damned fat to be eating that candy bar. Request denied! You will be fined and your credit card will be billed in the amount of $10 for making unhealthy choices!" or "Your health history indicates that you are at risk for heart disease. The health czar has determined that bag of potato chips would not be good for you. Instead we are dispensing a bag of dehydrated celery sticks for your enjoyment! Your credit card will be billed an additional $10 dollar processing fee payable to the federal gubment to defray the cost of implementing the healthy choice program! Have a nice day!"

In other news, gas pumps will be computerized with your fingerprint information. If the energy czar determines you've been pumping too much gasoline, you'll be fined and directed to the nearest bus station to continue your trip.

Also you will be required to purchase thermostats which interface with the internet. If your house is too cold in the summer or too warm in the winter, your heat or air conditioner will automatically be shut down, you'll be fined, and you will be assigned two homeless illegal immigrants whom you will be required to feed, clothe, and house until your debt to society is paid. Those extra bodies in the house will tend to warm things up a bit on a cold winter day.

WORKING TOGETHER we can all strive for a more fair and equal America!

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