If you have something to say, post a comment. I will not respond to anonymous commenters, so if you care to joust with the GROUCH, open yourself a FREE GMAIL account and get yourself an ID so I'll know who you are.

If you'd like to be a guest contributor, email me at:
Opinions of the guests are not necessarily the opinion of the GROUCH!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Football Rules for 2011

I have it on good authority that the Obama administration will be creating a new commission to regulate all sports in the country. This new administration will save the taxpayers money as adjusted estimates are that its formation will only cost the taxpayer 75 billion dollars, down from 85 billion dollars initially projected.

Of particular interest to me are new rules governing football. It is my understanding that the new gubment agency will be coordinating between the NFL and the NCAA to eliminate rule differences that currently exist between college and professional football. Many new rule changes will be coming down from on high but I wanted to share some of the biggies with all of you here they are:

1. Weather Delays
There was whining during the 2010 season over snow and cold weather affecting some of the pro games. This year, all games affected by rain, snow, or any other adverse weather condition as determined by the gubment sports commission will be postponed until the bad weather has passed. Even if the game is scheduled to occur in a domed stadium, it will still be postponed. It was feared by the commission that fans and teams without a dome would get their feelings hurt if the domed teams were allowed to play.

2. Night Games Banned
There will be no more night games allowed. It was feared that the use of stadium lights was increasing the carbon footprint beyond acceptable levels. It will also be ordered by the commission that large holes be cut in the roofs of all domed stadiums to allow ambient light from outside to enter. Since there will be no games during periods of precipitation, the hole in the roof will be a non-factor.

3. New Tackling Rules
Full tackling will no longer be allowed. Instead the defender will simply grab the ball carrier around the torso or the waist and the ball carrier will be required to give up and take a knee to the ground. Any tacking that might occur will be punishable by penalties and fines as determined by the gubment commission on a case by case basis. The defender committing the illegal tackle will be required to attend a minimum of three weeks anger management courses per offense. The player who was tackled will be offered counseling, at gubment expense, to make sure he was not psychologically damaged or otherwise got his feelings hurt from the unprovoked tackle.

4. Anger Management Specialists, Sensitivity Trainers and Counselors
There will be a massive, nationwide, gubment funded program in colleges and universities to train individuals specializing in the field of SPORTS ANGER MANAGEMENT, SPORTS SENSITIVITY TRAINERS, and SPORTS COUNSELORS. It is predicted by the Obama administration that this program will result in the creation of hundreds of thousands of new, high paying jobs, with tons of benefits.

5. All Forms of Celebration Banned
Not only will end zone celebrations be banned, but any type of celebration on the field at any time will be banned. This includes, clapping of hands, slapping another player on the buttocks, jumping up and down on the sidelines, or dumping Gatorade on the winning coach. Additionally, "trash talk" between opposing players will be banned. Players engaging in this type of behavior will be subject to penalty, fines, and classes for sensitivity training. The gubment commission is most concerned about players getting their feelings hurt which would result in more taxpayer funded counseling for the sniveling players.

6. Scoring Changes
During the game it will be illegal for any team to have more than a 7 point scoring advantage. If at anytime a team develops an advantage of 8 or more points, time out will be immediately called, both teams will meet at midfield with counselors, and after a round of "feel good" hugs and a verse of Kum Ba Ya a decision will be made by the team in the lead to give some of their points away to the trailing team. Extra milk and gold stars will be awarded to any players that agree to give the trailing team enough points to put them in the lead.

 7. Final Score
At the end of the game, all the points scored in the game will be divided equally between the two sides. All games shall end in a tie. It was felt by the gubment commission that a losing team would be too stressed out by a loss which might result in an increase in taxpayer funded counseling.

8. Bowl Games and Ranking
Ranking in college ball will be eliminated. Bowl games at the end of the year will be decided by drawing names from a hat. Michele Obama will do the drawing and new stadiums will be built at taxpayer expense to insure that every college football team in the country gets to play in a bowl game. Each player will receive a "participation trophy" from the gubment. The Obama administration has reported an abrupt increase in new jobs as new trophy plants come on line!

9. The Playoffs Eliminated
With the new scoring changes it was felt by the gubment commission that a playoff system in professional ball was no longer needed. Instead, the regular season will be extended throughout January to give the fans something to watch. Instead of a Super Bowl, all the teams from the AFC and NFC will meet in a predetermined location every year and a game will be played between the two conferences under the new rules. Each player from each conference will get an opportunity to play in at least one play during the game. Since the game will end in a tie, a huge ceremony will occur at the end where "Give Peace a Chance" will be sung in both Spanish and English and participation trophies will be awarded to all the players.

My friends, these are but a few of the exciting new football changes. Similar rules will be instituted that will affect all other sports. How much better could it be with liberals in charge?


  1. The result will be that the fans will no longer support the game of football, they will not attend games, the television networks will no longer want to carry the games because they will be so boring, and the game will cease to exist. The players will be forced to find other employment as will all those who work in the concessions etc. Only there are no jobs for them because of Obama.

    They will all ban together with the TEA party and the military, storm the White House, eject Obama and all his administration and Conservatives will take over.

    There will be peace in the land, jobs will increase, taxes will be lowered, full out war will be declared on all islamic extremists and they will be destroyed or shrink into submission out of fear and the world will be a more peaceful place.

    Order and sanity will return to the land.

    Let be so.

    Right Truth

  2. You're so right snookieyukums. Unfortunately liberals think just like the idiots alluded to in my article and fail to see any of the unintended consequences (like people no longer watching football).

  3. Dayum, these were hilarious...in a scary "IT COULD happen" sort of way...