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Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Americans with No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

Washington DC. July 21, 2011

The Obama administration is urging both houses of the congress to pass sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits to many Americans: The Americans with No Abilities Act (AWNAA). President Obama said he will sign it as soon as it hits his desk.

The AWNAA is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambitions.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society." said California Democrat senator, Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow people of inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers simply because they have some idea of what they are doing. We are legalizing another protected class of Americans."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi, D-CA. and Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, D-NV. pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest US. employer of persons of inability.

Private sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement warehouse stores (65%), as well as your local Radio Shack (98%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring persons of inability (a whopping 83%).

Under AWNAA, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created with important sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most inept employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of persons of inability into middle management positions. and gives a tax credit to small and medium sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Keri Cox, who lost his position as a lug nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI, due to his inability to remember "righty tighty, lefty loosey". "This new law should be real good for people like me," Cox added.  With the passage of this bill, Cox and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator, Dick Durbin, D-IL, "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.

8 comments:

  1. This can't be real!!! No way they're that effing stupid...are they??? man...this is right out of Atlas Shrugged....what was it...the 'equality of opportuniy act"??? Holy shit....say it isn't so!...nahhh...this isnt real! not even they are THAT fucking stupid!!!!

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  2. This is a joke, right?

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  3. Obama could be its poster child 'cept he ain't an American.

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  4. LOL Where do I sign up? If unemployment is like a paid vacation then sitting around all day using company assets and visiting with folks would be like "feel-useful" retirement.

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  5. Ok, I'll bite. Obummer is just shoring up his re-election base. What he ought to do is launch his, "Everyone who used to have something but now have nothing Coalition" or EWUHSBNHNC. That way he could provide unlimited benefits to those he stripped everything they had vote. It would pretty much include everyone that he doesn't have now.

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  6. kell, Do you need a Valium?

    Wagtube, Thanks.

    Lisl, No, it's no joke. It's real.

    Jenny, The original idea came from Kenya.

    livingoutloud, You don't have to sign up. To qualify you would not have the ability to fill out an application.

    Dumbplumber, Uh yeah, I agree.

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  7. Apparently some of the respondents are potential beneficiaries as well.

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